This is What Gay Marriage Looks Like

Today, May 9, 2012, President Obama made history by affirming, “I think same-sex couples should be able to get married”—ten little words that are now winging their way about the nation via a variety of technological means.

Our Wedding Day
Montague, MA, June 18, 2005

After talking to Kris on the phone, watching the ABC News video clip on YouTube, and reading the accompanying article on Yahoo, I have to admit that I got a little teary-eyed when the President mentioned that his daughters don’t understand why the same-sex parents of their friends would be treated any differently than their own parents.

The cynical Gen X-er in me would like to blow off Obama’s supposed “evolution” in thought on the issue of gay marriage, and believe instead that today’s historic announcement has more to do with political pressure in an election year than any genuine shift within our centrist president. My pessimistic side can only view the President’s choice to credit his Christian faith for that evolution as a calculated, somewhat ironic bit of campaign rhetoric rather than the heartfelt confession he claims it is. But the determined idealist in me, still lurking around despite the fact that I came of age during the Ronald “F*&% the Poor and Downtrodden” Reagan years, the part of me that rejoiced in the Clinton era only to withstand another depressingly prolonged ideological blow during the Bush Jr. decade, cried a little when she read the transcript of Obama’s interview.

Our Big Fat Same-Sex Wedding

And yet, this is just business as usual, isn’t it? For more than a decade, thanks to Karl Rove and George W. Bush, we gays who are (or would be) lawfully wedded have been the whipping boys and girls of America’s two political parties. Need a way to ensure that hypocritical, narrow-minded, conservative Christians will come out in droves to vote? Raise the specter of homos who want to tie the knot. Apparently, there is nothing more frightening in America than a same-sex couple making a lifelong commitment to each other. Talk about terrifying—two people who willingly commit to joint mortgage payments, bickering over whose turn it is to do the dishes, and raising children we love together? No wonder the fundies are so scared of us.

Usually, I hide my homo anger behind a more politically expedient front made up of equal parts fake sagacity, genuine sarcasm, and feigned tolerance. But as those who know me would attest, I’ve been angry for a long, long time. I’m sick of being the election-year whipping post for people who can’t even make their own marriages work. Michele Bachmann, recently a GOP presidential candidate, actually said during a campaign stop that gay people do have the right to get married—to members of the opposite sex. Seriously? Are you f*$&-ing kidding me? Then again, I guess Bachmann should know since she (purportedly) married an ex-gay herself.

You May Kiss the (Other) Bride

Tell you what, all you straight people out there who think you have the right to believe that Kris and I shouldn’t have been allowed to get married: You tell me where you were seven years ago on June 18, 2005, at 4:30pm East Coast time. You show me where the sky fell and how the world shifted and the exact way your own marriages were threatened as a result of my minister friend’s declaration to Kris and me as our family and friends applauded, “By the power vested in me by the awesome Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you legally married!”

Oh, wait, that’s right—you had no idea that Kris and I even got married, did you? Besides which, I’ll bet a whole mess of you aren’t even married yourselves anymore, while a whole other slew of you got married and divorced during the seven years of our oh-so-gay marriage. Turns out some of us queers are actually better at marriage than some of you breeders.

Happy Couple

We certainly have more opposition to our marriages than most of you. For one second, imagine what it’s like to tune in to a “Special News Report,” with the same slightly alarming theme music that accompanies reports of assassination attempts and terrorist attacks, only to find out that the incredible news of the day is that the President has decided that though he used to be uncertain, he now thinks it’s okay after all that you got married to the person you love. Imagine for one moment that this would be news, and that a large percentage of the people you call fellow citizens—people who live on your block and go to your church, whose children attend school with yours—disagree with the President, and even hate you for the sole reason that you “chose” to love your spouse. Hate you enough, in some cases, to wish you were dead.

Now picture the energy it takes on a daily basis to ignore those neighbors and co-workers, those complete strangers, walking down the street, waiting in line at the grocery store, stopped in their cars beside you at the stoplight. Picture the energy it takes to constantly have to evaluate if it is physically safe to admit the gender of the person to whom you are married; the energy you can’t help but expend worrying that your child might somehow suffer because her two moms refuse to lie about who they are and who they love. We queer folk should be given an award anytime we manage to stay together, but instead, our civil rights are continually debated and voted on by an entitled majority that refuses to acknowledge its own privileged status.

Our Big Fat Gay Family, Feb. 2012

The thing is, I truly wouldn’t give a flying f*&% about President Obama’s opinion of my marriage if it weren’t for that pesky title in front of his name. As he is the current POTUS, I’m glad that he’s “evolved” to the point he has, but frankly, I agree with Sasha and Malia—there’s no reason why my wife and I should have our marriage and civil rights be treated any differently than those of the President and his wife. After all, this is America, isn’t it, land of the free?

In fact, Massachusetts, the first U.S. state to legalize same-sex weddings and the official grantor of my own gay marriage, was one of the original thirteen colonies. Doesn’t that make it more American than, say, most of the rest of the f*&%-ing country?

Oh, dear. I’ve actually been trying to cut back on my cursing now that Alex has started to talk, but this blog post sort of blew that all to hell. Still, I think Alex would agree with most of what I’ve written. If she’s anything like the President and First Lady’s daughters, that is. Somehow, I think she will be.

Some of our Wedding Party, Western Mass, June 2005

About Kate Christie

I'm a lesbian fiction author currently residing in the Pacific Northwest. To read excerpts and more of my novels, visit
This entry was posted in DOMA, Family, gay marriage, LGBT rights, Parenting and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to This is What Gay Marriage Looks Like

  1. ullahoo says:

    Thank you! A great blog, this one!

  2. ullahoo says:

    It certainly looks beautiful! Thanks for telling us!

  3. Shelly Gingras says:

    Well said. I too married my partner of 24 years in Massachusetts in 2005. And the world has not come to an end; imagine that!!! 🙂

    • Congratulations to another Mass 05er, and to 30+ years together! Good thing gay marriage wasn’t legalized in 2012, or the conspiracy theorists might think there was some connection to the Mayan calendar…

  4. Barrett says:

    Very nicely done and congratulations to you “big fat gay family” –you’re beautiful.

  5. Helen Shultz-Kamadulski says:

    Great post!! I will be sharing the link to it on my facebook page and will keep the lookout for future posts. THANKS!!

  6. Dick Chorley says:

    My wife and I were happily and proudly present on the day when our minister daughter declared that Kris and Kate were married in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The joy of that occasion remains as beacon of hope and joy and love in our lives. Thank you, Kate, for this post. May you, Kris and Alex continue to grow and enjoy the love you share.

    • Hi Dick. Thanks for visiting, and for sharing your memories of that lovely day back in Massachusetts. We were so happy that you and Ginny–and Phyllis, all the folks from the old neighborhood–made the trip and joined in our celebration. We felt blessed to have the support of so many that day, a fact that we continue to talk about even now, seven years later. Love to you and Ginny and Kevin and Mary and everyone else back in NC!

  7. lauren says:

    I came across this on FB…although I don’t know you, I often feel like us ‘gays’ are all connected in our own little way. that being said, I am so very happy for you & your beautiful family. god bless the day when every state & commonwealth (including my own of the republican-ridden Kentucky) can agree on this matter. until then, cheers & much happiness to you and our whole community 🙂

    • Hi Lauren. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and, of course, for saying such kind things. I too feel that we gays are all connected, even separated as we often are by geography, class, race, etc.–a disparate group of people with a common unifying experience. Like you, I look forward to the time when DOMA is wiped out and our rights are no longer voted on! In the meantime, Happy Spring to you, and here’s hoping we can keep the White House in relatively enlightened hands for another four years…


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